Wardrobe malfunctions are never fun.  I’ve had several and all of them qualify for my “Most Embarrassing Moments” list.  One that made my “Top Ten” list happened while I was working at the post office.  There were three male mail carriers that sorted mail in the morning and then returned once they were finished with their routes to drop off the letters they had collected during the day.  I was wearing a pair of black jeans and a longer yellow and white striped sweater with a black design embroidered on the front.  I said it was longer but not one that covered my entire back end.  (Knowing this will be important as you read on.)   It was around 2 pm that I decided to go back and close the window that had gotten opened earlier due to the fact that one of the carriers was a bit too warm as he was sorting his share of the daily mail.  I walked over and to this day, I’m still not sure what made me reach back and brush my hands across my back side as I approached that window but what I discovered sent shock waves that began at the top of my head and shot clean through to the tips of my toes!  I had, at some point, blown the entire back seam out of my jeans!  The worst part is, I had no idea when it happened so there was a chance I had been working all day like this!  Not only had I worked with three guys, I had also waited on numerous customers that were given ample opportunities to know more about my underwear than they would have ever needed!

I had to come up with a plan.  The first one wasn’t good.  I thought about racing out the door screaming that the office was on fire.  That one would have gotten way too complicated and I knew I would be the one filling out the 3412 page report required when anything in the office went wrong.  The second plan wasn’t good either.  I thought about asking the very next customer that walked in the door to assume my post until I returned.  That would be the time when the Postmaster General just happened to be in town to pay this tiny little office a visit only to find out the employee responsible for rolling out the red carpet had actually gone home to change clothes in the middle of the day so I kept thinking.  Maybe I could tape them together or maybe paper clip them back together or maybe, just maybe I could staple them back together!  Yes!  That will work so I seized the first opportunity when there were no customers at the window and I grabbed the stapler and we backed into the bathroom to reconstruct my jeans.  When I slipped them down to my knees I almost fell to my knees as it wasn’t until then I saw that I was wearing my underwear with the big rainbow colored polka dots on them!!!  Really?!  Why today?  I knew I couldn’t spend a lot of time thinking about how humiliated I was but I did have to have a small meltdown before the “It’s no big deal” feeling took affect.  It appeared the staples would hold but only if I didn’t exert any pressure on them so the staples, the jeans and I made a decision to stand for the rest of the day.  We all knew sitting down would not be the thing to do and so I stood until 4:30, constantly yanking on my almost, but not quite long enough sweater.  I worried a little bit about actually sitting down to drive home and how those staples might react when they’re pushed beyond what we discussed in the bathroom but then I told myself, how bad could it hurt to have 25 tiny little staples open up?  Everything would be fine.  When I could finally leave the office, I got into my car and drove home.  The pain was immediate.   I was glad I had a 1.5 minute commute.  I was glad the wind wasn’t blowing and I was glad no one saw the smoke coming from our back yard when I broke a city ordinance by starting a fire that would allow me to torch the polka dot underwear and the jeans and the staples that left their marks in places I could feel better than I could see!