Some days, getting out of bed is the biggest mistake I make.  Do you ever feel this way?

I suppose we all do from time to time.  It’s that part of being human that, at times, seems unavoidable.  As the years come and go I’m learning more and more about myself.  I’m learning that I can forgive others much easier than I can forgive myself.  I’m not sure why this is and it is surely something I should probably work on.  I’m still feeling terrible about my reaction to Don’s Valentine.  Sometimes I don’t recognize myself.  For years I would hide my true feelings completely if I knew there was even the slightest chance of offending someone.  I’m losing my grip on this.  For months after divorcing my husband of twenty years I suffered tremendous amounts of guilt.  For the first time in my life I decided to put myself first which, at the time, appeared to be exactly what I needed.  Had I known it would bring about some of the worst pain I would ever endure,  would I have done things differently?  Probably not.  As time goes on, bits and pieces of a reality I should have known about have begun to filter in through the cracks I haven’t filled in and in some ways they bring me comfort but at a cost I no longer want to work into my budget.

As I think about the expectations I had for Valentine’s Day I’ve realized a few things.  I am loved by someone that has turned my entire existence upside down, sideways and right side up.  He has brought out every emotion in me that there can possibly be and never have I known anyone like him before.  He has taken me to places I never knew existed.  He has caused my temper to flare like never before.  He challenges me, encourages me and he does his best to love me.  He wants only the very best for me and our life together but sometimes I lose sight of his intentions.  I live for the repeat of a thrill that has passed rather than allow a new blessing to take it’s place.

Sometimes, when I react poorly and struggle with things that have never been an issue I try to remember that I’m not a bad person.  I honestly try to do my very best each and every day and then I think of my mom.  She always had a way of making me feel better when I messed up but now, when I dial 605-294-5874 there is nobody there.   It’s moments like this that force you into a reality you knew would find you one day but it’s a reality you never looked forward to.  I would love to believe that losing her isn’t the reason I’ve struggled with things I’ve never struggled with before but I miss her so much.  I’m learning that you never “get over” losing someone you love but I’ve also learned that the love never dies but it’s brought to you in some other way and sometimes that just might mean it arrives in a Cashwise bag instead of delivery van.