Life is such a fascinating process. If I had a dime for every time I’ve uttered those words I probably wouldn’t be a very rich woman but I’d have a rather enormous pile of dimes.
At times I ponder all the amazing moments that have arrived in my life and all the experience I’ve gained and I sometimes wonder why I still say I’m not sure what I want to be when I grow up. At times I think about all the people that have entered into my life. Some were there for reasons and they’ve moved on. Some have been there my entire life and then others arrive with a spirited nature that, at times, force me to fluff and refold the ideas I’ve kept safely tucked in my somewhat stubborn half Norwegian half Scottish brain.
Several days ago Don and I were staying with my mother and I actually got up before both of them. I ate my breakfast while sitting in the very same spot my dad used to eat his breakfast for well over thirty years. I peered out the same window and as I sat there I couldn’t help but think about all those mornings dad sat there. He would peer out that window and if anyone said anything to him it took a while before his thoughts were jolted away from where they were. What did he think about? He would usually sit there for quite a while but then, eventually he would get up and begin his day and he always accomplished something. For a moment I thought about being lazy and accomplishing absolutely nothing. I finally had a day off and our dirty laundry and carpets in need of vacuuming were over 200 miles away but then, something happened. A total shift in my thoughts. Before long I had a plan. I washed mom’s dishes, rounded up her garbage and cleaned the bathroom. Once finished I found myself scrounging around for some nice warm clothes that were about to be talked into going for a rather brisk Saturday morning walk with me. It had been a while since my four mile a day walks so I decided to give a two mile walk a try.
As I headed down the quiet little road that brings people into this lovely little community I was overwhelmed with the peace I felt. It was the kind of peace that I experience only when I choose to set aside some time for myself and when this happens I’m reminded that I’m never completely alone. I could feel the Lord’s presence so strongly that every once in awhile I stopped to look back and at one point I watched as my shadow inched it’s way along expecting to see another right there beside me. It was then I realized it was time to let go of some things. It was time to stop feeling guilty for making some very necessary changes in my life. I think I finally believe guilt is pointless. It was then I realized we can only be happy when we truly believe we are unique and that we have value and no one can create that belief within us for us. We are all on our very own journey. We learn throughout our lifetime that the only way we can be a blessing to others is to believe that we too, are a blessing. We torture ourselves with feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy and serve ourselves heaping helpings of stress without ever realizing we will never be able to digest it all. Slowly our bodies respond to that gluttony and eventually it takes it’s toll.
Some might find it hard to believe what power a brisk Saturday morning walk may potentially have but for a woman that feels as if she has finally found her way after being lost for so many years, I must say, it was empowering!