For as long as I can remember I was convinced I was never going to measure up to others.  What’s unfortunate is that I based every ounce of my personal assessment on what people saw on the outside.  I was fatter than all the other kids in my class which made most physical activities more of a challenge for me.  After gym class I would look as if my face was about to burst into flames.  It would get so red and I can remember how terrible it felt as the heat radiated off of it.  I never had a boyfriend in high school but when I got a bit older I realized just how lucky I probably was.  I had friends that did and when those romances came to an end their hearts were broken.  Mine never had to go through that but it still hurt and it still made me feel like I was worthless.

As an adult I still feel as if my worth is far less than others.  I tend to drive people crazy sometimes when I refuse to believe I am worthy of a compliment now and then.  I want to like myself in spite of all of those imperfections I still keep a mental tally of but it’s not easy.  Today I wore a top that revealed a bit more of my upper arms than I am comfortable showing and no one seemed to care.  I actually think I may have been the only one that found my flabby upper arms disgusting.  How could that be?  All these years I have kept as much of my ugly flab disguised as I possibly could and I told Don the other day that I will probably never be skinny.  I told him he had two months to back out of this wedding idea and his reaction was interesting.  In his “Don” way he told me he loves me and that was that.

What you just read was written nearly two years ago.  For whatever reason I wasn’t inspired to finish it then so I left it where it was knowing that the day to finish it would eventually pencil itself into my schedule.  Much of what I wrote is still true.  I hate my flabby everything.  I’ve tried several different methods of weight loss but none of them magically relinquish my desire to eat things I shouldn’t.  My joints ache more every day and I don’t run to my doctor and expect him to write a prescription for me that will miraculously transform everything about myself I don’t like.  I do think that is what we sometimes expect, however.  There has to be an easy way to fix everything I do wrong every day…..

There’s one thing I do see changing.  Slowly but surely I’m seeing a shift in how I see myself.  I have these  tiny little notions that hit at the most unusual times and they suggest that perhaps I’ve approached everything about myself, all of these years, from the wrong vantage point.  Could it be that if just for a second or two every day I tell myself, “I am okay.  I am a good person.  I do my very best and that’s all I can expect of myself. ”  that maybe everything about myself I’ve fought will finally start to believe it does have the power to make the changes I’ve tried so hard to force it into?  Wouldn’t that be something?  Could the secret to conquering what needs to happen be held hostage by the negative thoughts you allow yourself to believe?

I was listening to a sermon the other day about making a positive change in your perception of yourself and the pastor said, “You can think positive thoughts but they’ll only take hold if you say them out loud.”  I’ve told myself I like how a certain outfit looks or that I was happy with my hair or delighted by how well I handled an angry customer but not once had I ever said anything out loud….until yesterday.  I have to admit, saying good things about yourself out loud feels a little strange but it also feels good.  I’m not shouting things out and I’m not doing this in front of other people….just in front of Jesus who is always with me….always by my side.  This might sound strange but I can already see a positive change in the way I see myself.  I know it will take some time to transform all of my negative self talk as I have packed those bags to capacity.  I’ve been telling myself so many terrible things about who I am and how unworthy I am for so long that I know it’s going to take some time before the truth can surface.  My doctor suggested a surgery that could possibly help me to lose some excess weight and then set up a consultation for me.  I visited with the people that perform the sleeve procedure and I was told that I wouldn’t have to go through a lot of preliminary consultations as my mind was right where it needed to be.  I hung up the phone feeling as if I had just gotten an A+ on a test but in reality the thought of altering my body just wasn’t right for me,  I knew I needed to dig a little deeper and give myself some time to let God pave my path.  I realize nothing is going to drastically change but I am saying that I feel that I’ve finally reached a destination that has been waiting for my arrival and that my negative thoughts aren’t going to find it as easy to have the power over me that they once did.  We’ll see what happens but finally believing and saying out loud that I am okay,  I am a good person, I do my very best and that’s all I need to expect from myself, is a very good place to finally be!