I’m not sure how grief affects you but for me it happens in spurts.  Once the initial loss has occurred it takes a while before the shock dissipates.  Eventually you find yourself attempting to put “normal” back into your vocabulary and do whatever you can to make each new day feel like it used to.  It doesn’t take long before you realize that making each new day feel like it used to isn’t going to happen and then you start to miss all those moments when things that transpired on a regular basis are no longer happening.

When I was a kid, a teenager and a young adult my worst fear was losing my parents.  Whenever they got sick or underwent a surgery, I was a basket case.  I wanted to be involved in every doctor visit and wait in the waiting room during every surgery and be the first to know everything was going to be okay.  Eventually, as the days turned into months and the months turned into years I found myself sitting with my brother and sister planning a couple of funerals I never wanted to plan.  I became a part of a “committee” that would prepare my parents for a journey that wouldn’t involve me.

Death is a learning experience.   There is nothing in the world that can prepare you for that moment when you are told your mom or dad is ready to view.  As you enter that room, you do everything in your power to divert your attention away from that place where the casket is sitting but then you realize you are getting closer to that very real moment you’ve dreaded your entire life.   That day has arrived and there you are, facing something you never wanted to face.  I’m not sure how this moment affects others but for me, when both of my parents died, I experienced a sense of peace that I had never felt before.  The initial fear of not knowing what to expect was completely erased once I reached their side.  I almost think I expected something terrible to happen when in reality, I felt no different than when I was spending time with my parents when they were alive.

I’ve always admired people that were able to speak at a loved one’s prayer service or funeral but never did I think I would have to inner strength to do that very same thing until my mom passed away.  My brother, sister and I have talked about this after the fact and now realize just how amazing our mother was, is and always will be.

It was during her prayer service when the pastor asked if anyone had a special memory they wanted to share about Marie.  I can’t remember which one of us stood up first but I do know all three of my mother’s “pride and joys” shared a few words in remembrance of her and her admirable devotion to the three most important people in her life.  After her funeral we talked about how she loved to sit in the back pew when she went to church and how she never wanted to draw any attention towards herself in any way and just how upset she would have been when they placed her angelic remains in front of the first pew during her prayer service.  It wasn’t until we discussed this that we realized that it was her presence that gave us all the inner strength we needed to stand up and share a fond memory of her.  She was the most incredibly devoted mother a child could have and never did she put any of us in a position that would cause us to be fearful and afraid….not even on the day of her prayer service.  She was right there, next to us and she made it possible for each and every one of us to stand up and share.

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I loved my parents.  My dad has been gone for 7 years now and my mom has been gone nearly 7 months.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss them and I can honestly say,  grief is real.  For me it happens in spurts.  I can be on top of the world for days but then grief arrives and I have a moment that tugs at my heart and it hurts and then it moves on.  It comes again and again but less frequently as time goes by and with every visit it helps me to realize those loved ones we think we’ve “lost” remain in our hearts forever.  The pain is much like the sands in an hourglass.  As each grain falls it reaches it’s destination and is buried by another grain and another and eventually those grains stop falling and the pain lessens and a much more selfless and compassionate you evolves from the person you once were when you thought you would never be able to say goodbye.