Don and I were talking about my blog and he suggested I should stir things up a bit and throw in something that would potentially cause a spike in readership.  He’s a guy and we girls know how guys think and he suggested I throw in a body part just to see what happens.  I quizzed him about the possibility of this being “too much information” and he said, “Your whole blog is most likely too much information for readers at some point.  You know how people are.”  I pondered that comment for several hours and wondered if I should stop writing and go into seclusion and then I realized I only share things that I feel others can identify with and that I really don’t mind sharing my thoughts about my perception of life even if it is too much information.  If it offends, I potentially lose a reader but life will go on. This breakthrough brought me back to his playful suggestion of spicing things up a bit but due to the fact that I’m a pretty straight laced, modest and boring girl,  I never wear clothes that would potentially let a nipple slip into view or a pubic hair be seen so after some careful thought I have come up with a few things he might consider, a bit risque.  Trust me, it’s not.  Remember, I’m modest but even modesty can have some rather risque moments.  They’re just more humorous and to a male reader, if it’s not about sex it better be funny!

One day, while at work, I encountered one of the biggest let downs I had ever known.  My bra strap broke! I’m not sure if you’ve ever had that happen but if you have and your breasts are at all affected by gravity then you know what a shock it is!   When gravity is a factor there’s a noticeable amount of difference after the avalanche and I’m pretty sure the victim’s face has a somewhat remarkable change in appearance as well.  I haven’t had this happen a lot and I often times wonder why things like this can never happen at home.  It always has to be when you’re surrounded by people and at times when you least expect it.  I’m not saying I have a ridiculous amount of cleavage but the amount I have paired with the forces of nature, age and gravity tend to keep my bras employed!  None of them have had it terribly easy but after this incident I learned bras with thicker, more substantial straps were best qualified for the job they would be “upholding!”  I remember putting on my very first bra and I also remember how much I hated it but there are a whole lot of people out there that should be very thankful I got over this hatred and surrendered to this wardrobe necessity as going without helps us all to realize why bras were invented in the first place.

As time went on I realized bras weren’t going to be the only wardrobe necessity I would have to accept when I became a woman.  When I was hired for a job that would require me to wear dresses on weekends, I learned that in order to have a more attractive silhouette in a dress I was going to need to invest in some rather serious undergarments that are designed to smooth things out.  They’ve evolved over time but the ones sold to amply proportioned women back then were sort of like a full body girdle with bra hooks in the crotch to help with bathroom breaks.  I remember my sister helping me into this contraption the very first time but after that I was on my own and I always felt like I was forcing a watermelon into a banana peel when applying this body sling shot.  Once I managed to get “my life threatening undergarment” on I slipped into my slip and then my dress and I was ready for hair and makeup.  Before long I was ready for my day and off I went.  I often times wondered if my face ever revealed the pain I was in.  I had two bra straps and a piece of fabric in my crotch that never had plans of being pulled that far apart and they weren’t happy.   I also wonder if anyone could tell how terrified I was when I felt the urge to tinkle.  I’ll never forget that first potty break.  I knew there were hooks in the crotch but I didn’t do a test run at home first to see what would happen when I turned that crotch piece loose.   Once I made it into the bathroom, I apprehensively lifted my dress and slip out of harm’s way.  I took hold of the crotch pieces and slowly began to unhook each hook.  I may have blacked out for a few seconds after releasing the last hook but I do remember that the long crotch piece left the area in rocket speed and nearly whacked me in the back of the head!  After recovering from that shock I got to see what it felt like to have urine squeezed out of my kidneys that wasn’t fully processed due to the fact that the only thing holding the girdle that was now a boa constrictor around my waist had been released and was making an attempt to give me a brain injury!  I still can’t remember how I was able to retrieve that crotch piece from the middle of my back or how I got those hooks hooked but I do know I am very happy the line of body smoothing garments has evolved and that I no longer have to wear dresses every weekend!  You people with smooth, thin bodies have no idea how nice you have it and I hope you have some new found respect for your sisters that struggle with a few extra curves.

My goal as a writer is to entertain and celebrate the day to day struggles we all face.  If I am able to put a smile on your face or a skip in your step then I have accomplished what it is, I have set out to do.  I’ll probably never have any real revealing stories about sex or exposed body parts as I want everyone to know there are a few things about my existence that I am not willing to share with anyone except the guy that rocks my world!

I am still wondering why it wasn’t required by law to include a tag on that life threatening undergarment I wore years ago.  It could have killed me and that would have been terrible but what an unusual way to go!  It’s not difficult to understand why Playtex had to name their product the 18 hour living girdle.  Marketing is designed to tell people what they want to hear.  The truth, at times, is just much to risky to their “bottom” line!