As I near the ripe old age of 50, my body has decided to send me some rather interesting messages. I’m never sure when the hands of fate will deliver them so I’ve learned that I need to be prepared 100% of the time. In my 20’s you never would have found a full size bottle of both Excedrin Migraine and Ibuprofen in my purse. In my 20’s you wouldn’t have seen me holding anything with small print as far away from my eyes as my arms could reach just so I could see the small stinking print that is way smaller than it used to be. In my 20’s you wouldn’t have run across my rather impressive collection of magnifying glasses and you wouldn’t have noticed the silver sparkle that has decided to illuminate my hair. I’ve heard people say they would do things a lot different if they had the chance to start over but I don’t think I would. Everything I’ve experienced has taught me something. It’s unfortunate to a point, I suppose, but the bad experiences have taught me the most.
In almost 50 years there are lots of things I’ve learned that have benefited me tremendously but the one I treasure most is the one that taught me God’s plan was just a tad bit different than mine. I had no desire to go to college. I had no desire to pursue any type of professional career. I wanted to be wife and mother. I practiced being a mom for years. I drove my parents crazy because all I ever wanted for my birthday or for Christmas was, as my dad would put it, another dang doll! God knew this but He had a slightly different plan. It wasn’t an easy one to grasp and there were times I really wanted a better answer to my “whys” but I can’t say I’d change the way things turned out.
I wasn’t able to give birth or experience motherhood first hand. During the years of trying to make this happen, all nine of them, I cried more than I thought a person could cry. I found out what depression was. I found out what acceptance was but in the process a rather hard shell formed around my heart when it came to children. It was my way of protecting something that had already ached more than I believed it should have ever had to. I had no idea fate had plans of removing that shell nor did I know how it would go about it. All I knew was I had to endure a very painful divorce, move back home and get a job working a ton of hours while trying to sort out all the things that went wrong over the course of twenty years. It was then fate began knocking down that very hard shell by using the warmth and love of some very amazing children I would see everyday at the convenience store where I worked. Their school bus stopped there to pick them up but we always had time to visit before they left for the day. I had no idea what was happening but eventually I found myself bonding with some of the kindest and most beautiful young people on the face of this earth. We would gather around the till and talk about all the exciting things that were happening in their lives. Sometimes I would bring treats and offer advice when someone was being picked on or not feeling the best.
There was one young girl that divulged how scared she was walking those two blocks to the store every morning because it was dark outside. I remember being scared of the dark and I would never have wanted to walk by myself in the dark for two blocks when I was her age so I had a little chat with her dad after she left. He shrugged it off as her being silly but he did start giving her a ride after that. She thanked me.
One little first grade girl always had a way of tickling me with her innocence and I still enjoy those memories. One day she was standing near the till when an adult was checking out. The pen holder on the counter was empty again and I said, “I can’t believe how many pens grow legs and walk right out that door!” She pondered for a bit and then in a very serious way she said, “Do the pens really grow legs and walk out of here?”
Three young kids that had been staying at their grandparent’s house over the weekend came bursting in the door one morning, all excited to tell me their grandpa and grandma’s cat had her kittens! I asked how they knew and they said, “Well, because she doesn’t look like a soccer ball this morning!” I would venture to say mama cat was most likely black and white. Wouldn’t you?
I also had the chance to go to movies with some of them and take some of them out for supper and there was one, in particular, that owns the most pieces of that shell I wore around my heart. She chose to spend as much of her free time with me as she could, even when I was in a bad mood. Often times I would ask her why she liked me even when I was crabby and she would always say, “Because you’re Bev.” How many adults would say that? She is more precious than some of the people in her life will ever realize or give her credit for. She’s resilient. She’s beautiful inside and out and mature beyond her years but that doesn’t mean she won’t make wire loops and homemade bubble solution with me so I can look less silly when I want to be amazed by bubbles. I’m thinking she would even be okay with me telling people it was her idea!
One evening she and I were visiting and on the way to her house we drove past a lot where a house had burned a few years ago. She said her friend told her she was in that house when it started on fire. I said, “Really?” And then she said, “No, she wasn’t and I didn’t believe her anyway.” I asked why not and she said, “She also told me she was a mermaid.” You’ve got to love a kid blessed with a healthy dose of common sense!
Another night my sister, my little sidekick and I went to the taco feed down the street. They ran out of taco meat right after we got our first tacos assembled which meant no second taco and it was almost as cold inside as it was outside but then, out of the blue, a particularly fascinating four year old decided to have a little chat with me. She is as whimsical as the day is long and I’ve learned that if I just talk to her without a lot of facial expressions and rather low key, I will get responses that blow my mind. She decided we should plan a shopping trip together and asked me to write a list of things we needed. Headbands, tiaras, and pink dresses were going to be necessities. I threw in the idea that we should probably pick up a camel and maybe a monkey and some banana flavored nail polish which were fine but she was a bit apprehensive about the hedgehog idea. Her mother came over and asked what she was up to. I explained that we were planning a shopping trip. She asked where we were headed. I said, “Tim-buck-two and my little friends’ whole face lit up and she said, “YESSSSS!” Apparently she had heard of the place but had not actually shopped there. During this visit I was able to forget that having another taco might have been fun and that when a four year old warms your heart you feel warm all over!
I feel sort of bad that I allowed that shell to form around my heart all those years ago but time has shown me that it wasn’t something I needed to hang onto forever. The little “hammers” that broke that shell into pieces exposed a loving heart that was always there and helped it to realize being a “mom” isn’t just about giving birth. It’s about caring and listening and being there for those precious little people that are so willing to share their time and give you their love.